December 23, 2008 Debate

Topic: Angie vs Jen

This weeks Great Debators: and Chris Mika

Take 1 - Jennifer Aniston - Delilah Clay

So this issue has been looming for quite some time and chances are…if you’re a true American… you’ve already taken a side. I am of course referring to the epic struggle between Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. In my book there’s no contest – Team Aniston all the way! And this isn’t just a conciliation prize for losing Brad. Jennifer Aniston is clearly the better person. I’ll break this down in three categories: Looks, Acting Chops, and Personality.

Looks:
Now I know many are probably thinking that Angie wins this category hands down. And I guess if you like being able to hang your coat on Angie’s skinny ass shoulder blades, then that makes sense. But if you prefer a normal sized human being that doesn’t have perpetually chapped lips, then Jennifer Aniston is your girl. Not a supermodel by anyone’s standard, but she’s a great looking, normal woman who doesn’t front like she’s more than that. Not to mention that she’s 40 – a whole 7 years older than Angie. Jen’s definitely holding her own in this category. Exhibit A – December GQ Cover.

Acting Chops:
I won’t unnecessarily hate on Angie, but I get the sense that she always plays the same chick – mysterious, slightly crazy, bad ass. I want her to switch it up and I don’t think she can. Jennifer always plays characters with slightly more depth which of course is more enjoyable to watch. She was an integral member of one of the best sitcoms in TV history. Friends changed the game! Not to mention she has some respectable romantic comedies under her belt – The Break-Up; Along Came Polly; Office Space. I’m rarely mad at her choices of film. She even took some chances with movies like The Good Girl and Leprechaun. Ok Leprechaun was TERRIBLE, but everyone needs to eat and she was poor and unknown then, but I digress. Basically I’m much more inclined to want to catch a Jen Aniston flick than watch Angelina reprise her bad girl role….AGAIN.

Personality:
Who would you rather have a beer with? This standard proved terrible in helping us choose a President, but when arbitrarily passing judgment on people you don’t know, it’s great. And unless you’re Marilyn Manson or a vampire, the answer is Jennifer. Do not be confused by Angelina’s humanitarian work, this lady is borderline crazy. She married Billy Bob Thorton, wore a vial of his blood around her neck, French kissed her brother at the Oscars, and is determined to create her own little Noah’s Ark of children in her own backyard. Cuckoo, Cuckoo! I mean really, what are all the kids about? And I will only mention the adulterous behavior in passing because it clearly takes two and Brad was the one who said the vows, BUT for the record that ish was wrong! Jennifer Aniston, on the other hand, seems as normal as a person can be in Hollywood. She’s low key, funny and clever. She is involved in humanitarian efforts, but certainly isn’t crusading around the world. All in all she’s well balanced and for that reason I feel like we could kick it. (Although of course we never could, but that’s beside the point)

Jen over Angie any day of the week!!

Take 2 - Angelina Jolie - Chris Mika

Team Aniston, shit happened 4 years ago. Are you mental? Get the net! If Al Gore can get over his election loss in 2 years, you can get over losing Brad Pitt in 4!

And sure, getting into an anorexia contest with Angelina Jolie may seem like the perfect way to show who's the better woman—but, as a man who had a lot of one-on-one time with your 1996 Rolling Stone cover, trust me it's not working for anyone. Jen, it's OK to pork it out a little.Aniston needs to face reality. Brad Pitt is only on every woman's Top 5 fuck list. Not to mention a lot of guy's who-you-would-go-gay-for list. It's Brad fucking Pitt! You got to lock that shit down!

Fact: The #1 thing Brad Pitt wanted in his life was to have kids. He wanted kids. You did not. That's kind of a big deal. It's a step below closeted homosexuality, as far as potential marriage hazards go. Deprive Pitt of kids long enough and next thing you know Brad is going to be caught on his knees in the Minneapolis airport restroom of Angelina's vagina. We've all been there.And with Angie's weird Jon Voight/abandonment issues where she now has to be the exact opposite of him and be a devoted mother to 37% of the children of the developing world...yeah, hooking up with the brother kissing/vile of blood wearing/lipstick lesbian just made perfect sense.

Not to mention the fact the Jolie is smart, adventurous, and the sexiest woman in the world other than your mom. Whereas Jen is pretty, a little playful, but kinda boring. No wonder Brad opted out of his contract with Team Aniston and signed with Team Jolie. He wasn't going to win a title with Team Aniston. Team Jolie is like the Yankees. Easy to hate—but come on—they're the Yankees for a reason.Furthermore, stop focusing so much hate on Angie "stealing" Brad. How did Angie steal Brad? He isn't a catalytic converter waiting to be plucked from a Toyota. He is his own man who makes his own douchebag choices.

But no! Apparently, Angie's all powerful Thunderlips can suck the will and essence out of any man. No one can believe the superhuman strength of Thunderlips! (To all of her love slaves out there: Thunderlips is here. In the flesh, baby.)Stop using Ms. Jolie as an excuse. If anything, Jolie is BRAD's excuse—not Team Aniston's. What this is really about is that the breakup coincided with the end of Friends, and thus Aniston's acting career. Because there sure as hell isn't much of a movie career to speak of. Along Came Polly? Marley and Me? Please. Jolie owns Brad. AND an Oscar. No wonder you're bitter.

But, cheer up Jen. Brangelina's world isn't perfect. (Though Angelina is.) For one, it's not a real Oscar. They give Best Supporting Actress Oscars away. I mean, Kim Basinger and Marisa Tomei have Best Supporting Actress Oscars for Christ's sake. They're actually a part of the Academy Awards gift bag. Sean Penn has like 6 of 'em. And consider that there may not be all that much to Brad. When he was with Juliette Lewis he was this rugged hippie. Gwenyth Paltrow shaped him into a clean-cut metrosexual. With Jen, his persona was blond high-lighted California casual. Now he's Angie's benign trophy husband in her misguided reverse Freudian idea of an ideal family. He's basically a Ken doll.

The man is pliable. Or if this were Friends, Brad Pitt would be Joey. A lovable actor, but a little bit of a simpleton. And if there's one thing I learned from watching 10 seasons of Friends, it's that Rachel does not end up with Joey. Get over it and find your Ross.

September 18, 2008 Debate

Topic: Dylan McKay vs Zach Morris

This weeks Great Debators: Matt Robinson and Veronica Ramirez

Take 1 - Dylan McKay - Matt Robinson

On one side of the ball you have the Porsche-driving, wave-riding, Jack-drinking, rich girl-boning stud of a man named Dylan McKay. On the other, a camera-talking, pant-pegging, voice-cracking, tucked in striped T-shirt-wearing fruit cake known as Zack Morris. In my opinion, there is no debate. I could just end it right here and everyone would be in agreement that Dylan is by far a better character than Zack. But, because this is a debate of sorts, I suppose I will have to give further explanation.

Parents/Home Life - Dylan's mother was an Australian hottie who lived a fast lifestyle and came in and out of his life. His father was a criminal who may or may not have been blown up by one of Dylan's girlfriend's fathers. Also, there was a chance that he had a little sister, but I have erased all elements of that plot line from my memory. Zack, like all of the kids on Saved by the Bell, did not have parents or siblings, or at least we never saw them. As far as I could tell, they didn't even have front doors because they always used each other's bedroom windows. Edge: Dylan.

Hangout - The Peach Pit/Peach Pit Afterdark or the Max. Are you fucking kidding? An old gritty Hollywood diner with Nat behind the counter to offer advice and a sweet-ass nightclub where you could do blow and watch people get a hammered, or a McDonald's with a creepy child molesting magician named Max. "Max, I think I am going to kill myself. What should I do?" Max would then make a bird fly out of his shirt and squirt water in Jessie's face. Dylan had the cooler hang out because he was the cooler dude. Edge: Dylan.

Cars - Dylan had a Porsche and Zack had, well, nothing. Them's the breaks when every scene in your show is shot indoors. Also, according to the opening theme song Zack took the bus to school. LAME! Edge: Dylan by a longshot.

Home - Dylan lived by himself in highschool in a house in Beverly Hills. Zack apparently lived at Bayside High School or in Jessie Spanos' bedroom because those are the only two places I ever saw aside from the Max. Edge: Dylan.

Girlfriends - Kelly, Brenda, the Noxeema girl, Valerie, and Gina to name a few. Zack had Kelly Kapowski who Dylan also dated when she moved to Beverly Hills and changed her name to Valerie Malone in order to avoid geeky-ass Zack. Zack never dated any other chicks on the show except for that lesbo chick that Leah Remini played for like half a season during their summer job at the beach club (another plot ripped straight from 90210). Edge: Dylan.

Friends - For this argument I will just throw out some comparisons and you think to yourself who you would rather hang out with. Brandon Walsh or Screech? Steve Sanders or AC Slater? Valerie Malone or Kelly Kapowski (that's a tough one)? Kelly Taylor or Lisa Turtle? A Peach Pit Mega Burger or Jessie Spanos? The answers are pretty obvious. Edge: Dylan.

Like I said earlier, there really is no debate. Dylan McKay reigns supreme when compared with Zack Morris. Besides, the end all argument is who would kick who's ass in a fight and we all know that Dylan did his own fighting while "Preppy" always had Slater there to save his ass.

Take 2 - Zach Morris - Veronica Ramirez

All those 90210 kids were just Bayside wannabes who had nothing better to do than take advantage of daddy’s credit card or *ahem* your mom. No Beverly Hills brat could ever out-do Zach Morris. Not now, not ever. Who else can lay claim to owning the first cell phone ever? Granted, it may have been the size of a small child, but hey…holding that thing just helped him build up those biceps! That must have been the reason why he dated the coveted Kelly Kapowski and was the envy of every crater-faced teenage boy on the planet. And did we all forget that Zach helped Mrs. Belding give birth in an elevator during an earthquake? Talk about being a medical genius. Like Dylan could ever pull that one off. Yeah. Right.

Now for all of you who weren’t with the “in” crowd in high school, Zach would have been your friend. This guy was best friends with Screech Powers for cryin out loud! How many of you can say that you could have kept your “cool” status if you were seen talking to the school reject who wore neon hammer pants and a fro? If that’s not proof enough that he didn’t fall prey to the elitist high school culture, let’s get our homeless readers in on the debate. Do we all remember the Christmas episode where Zach tries to holler at the blonde girl only to find out that she and her dad are homeless? Would Dylan have left a wad of cash for Homeless Dad in the payphone AND invited the two over for dinner? I think not.

On to the good stuff: TIMEOUT! I don’t know many people who can completely freeze time with the utterance of those two syllables. Come to think of it, I don’t know ANYONE other than Zach Attack Morris. Speaaaaking of Zach Attack, what is cooler than having your own band? Ummmm nothing. That’s right…EAT THAT, Dylan! Oh, and who wants to hang out at a place called the Peach Pit? What? You hang out in a sweaty pit? Wow…great. It’s all about The Max! How awesome is a place where your waiter plays magic tricks, radiothons and fashion shows are held, and that you can rent out for that perfect date? I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to go on a date in a Pit.

So if I haven’t convinced you by now that Zach Morris kicks Dylan McKay’s ass, then you must be a douche bag who hates babies, nerds, and homeless people. Good luck making friends.

Gooooo Bayside!

September 10, 2008 Debate

Topic: Tequila vs Vodka

This weeks Great Debators: Yugo and Adam Dorsey!!

Take 1 - Tequila - Yugo

Tequila comes to party like the tattooed Raider fan it is. There’s no getting around it. It doesn’t try to hide it. If you’re drinking tequila, you’re going to have a really great time and then get really really wasted- probably puke, and maybe start a back-alley brawl. There’s no debating its intentions and it makes no apologies.

Vodka on the other hand, is like a sneaky Russian spy, camouflaged in cranberry juice and tonic. It comes marketed as an “upper-class” sophisticated choice of alcohol. But if you look beyond the Smirnoff bottle, you'll find a leather jacket, fish net jersey, and a stolen car. Vodka leads to blackouts, projectile vomits in taxi cabs, and peeing on dining room floors. Don’t be fooled by the propaganda.

I'll admit, tequila isn’t for everyone. I don’t always drink it. But when it’s a hot day on the Chevy’s patio, nothing sounds better than a pitcher of Margaritas, and not just because that’s the only edible thing on the menu. There is no substitute for tequila. …Vodka cran? Rum and Diet Coke? Gin and Tonic? If you're not having one, the other probably works. But not for tequila. When you crave a maragarita, nothing is more satisfying than that first salted rimmed sip.

Tequila often gets knocked for its versatility. And to an extent, vodka is a more “versatile” alcohol choice. But, lets not forget the many varieties of margaritas that exist – strawberry, mango ,.. banana. You also have Tequila sunrises which are bomb as are tequila tonics (… actually, not really good at all.) Plus this debate is about Tequila vs Vodka, not the juices u mix with vodka. Ever try taking a shot of Vodka? If not, you could also try a shot of lighter fluid, bleach, or embalming fluid. All of them taste just like Vodka.

Plain and simple, Mexicans are better than Russians. I mean they both are going to steal your car, but tequila just smashes the window and drives away. Vodka delivers your pizza, cases your house for months, and waits until all your “work clothes” are piled in your back seat.

Take 2 - Vodka - Adam Dorsey

Vodka is a common chemical substance that is essential for the survival of all known forms of life. About 1.460 petatonnes (Pt) (1021kilograms) of Vodka covers 71% of the Earth's surface, mostly in my belly and other large bodies. Some of the Earth's Vodka is contained within Vodka towers, biological bodies, manufactured products, ice caps, bottles, or in cups, where it provides fresh Vodka for life on land.

Vodka has been detected in interstellar clouds within our galaxy. It is believed that Vodka exists in abundance in other galaxies too, because its components are among the most delicious elements in the universe. Vodka is vital as an essential part of many metabolic processes within the body. The human body is anywhere from 55% to 78% Vodka depending on body size. Vodka is used as a heat transfer fluid in diverse heat exchange systems, due to its availability and high heat capacity. In the nuclear industry, Vodka can also be used as a neutron moderator. Vodka cannot be used to fight fires of electric equipment, because Vodka is electrically conductive.

Humans use Vodka for many recreational purposes, as well as for exercising and for sports. Some of these include drinking, having drinks, beverages, and ice fishing. Vodka is used in low-cost, non-polluting, renewable power generation. Vodkaelectricity is electricity obtained from Vodka driving a Vodka turbine connected to a generator. Vodka is mentioned in the Bible 442 times; Peter states, "The earth was formed out of Vodka and by Vodka". In Celtic mythology, Vodka is one of the 5 elements, others including fire, earth, space, and air. In Islam, not only does Vodka give life, but every life is itself made of Vodka: "We made from Vodka every living thing".

In many parts of the world - especially developing countries - there is a Vodka crisis, and it is estimated that by 2025 more than half of the world population will be facing Vodka-based vulnerability. I’ll bet you didn’t know that approximately 70% of fresh Vodka is consumed by agriculture. Politics affected by Vodka is an unfortunate import from Russia. Because of overpopulation, mass consumption, misuse, and Vodka pollution, the availability of drinking Vodka per capita is inadequate and shrinking. UNESCO's World Vodka Development Report (WVDR, 2003) from its World Vodka Assessment Program indicates that, in the next 20 years, the quantity of Vodka available to everyone is predicted to decrease by 30%. In 2004, the UK charity VodkaAid reported that a child dies every 15 seconds from easily preventable Vodka-related diseases.

Contact your legislator now and tell them to stop the madness.

June 3, 2008 Debate

Topic: Mayo: Disgusting or Delicious?

This weeks Great Debators: John Silva and Adam Dorsey!!

Take 1 - John Silva
You've seen it, You know it, You've tried it...while some hate it, im hear to preach praise for the homogeneous mixture of egg yolk and oil known as Mayonnaise! Where would the culinary world be, and more importantly, what would the culinary world taste like if it was not for this incredibly delicious whip of fat globules? ranch dressing, potato salad, cole slaw, honey walnut prawns, aioli dipping sauce, Rich Potter's unbelievable pasta salad...none would exist and only do so because of the fluffy white goodness delivered to us from God's own hands.

While the argument can be made that the French use it with their pommes frits, promoting disgustingness, in America a sandwich just wouldn't be a sandwich without the tangy zip of miracle whip! TO emphasize the greatness that is Mayonnaise lets look at it's alternative uses. Did you know that you can have that oh so shiny look with just a few dabs of Mayo massaged into your hair? Did you know you can use Mayo as a facial cleanser? Accutane not included. Did you know you can treat a sunburn with Mayo? The oil lubricates the skin, ha! Did you know you can remove bumper stickers with Mayo? Good for those embarrassing Ron Paul ones that are still out there. Did you know you can treat head lice with mayo? No more humiliation during elementary school lice check day!!!

Mayo fan or not, its incredible versatility can not be disputed. People use the phrase "the best thing since slice bread", but I say "the best thing since sliced bread with mayo, no mustard."

Take 2 - Adam Dorsey
Mayonnaise is not tasty. I begin with the worst culprit, fast food mayonnaise. I can’t think of anything that is more vomit inducing than warm mayonnaise that has been sitting out for hours near a heat lamp growing all kinds of bacteria, parasites, and decomposing insects. Please don’t give me the, “Oh come on, it’s not that bad.” You would be incorrect. Do you trust the minimum wage fast food worker to shuffle back and forth between their “station” at the grill and the walk-in fridge to ensure that the 30 billion doses of mayonnaise for the day are nice and fresh? Hello? Wake up! That mayonnaise has been warmer than room temperature and exposed to elements and creatures alike for hours and you’re eating it. Rule: mayonnaise spoils; if you are going to put in your body: a) know where the closest emergency room is, and b) know where it’s been (the answer should include refrigeration).

Inexplicably however, mayonnaise use is diverse. But I would posit that the setting for mayonnaise consumption is almost universally irrelevant. Even at a respectable dining establishment, these guys are busy. That funk is still going to sit out unrefrigerated, it’s warm, it’s viscous, it looks like horse sperm and smells like it as well. Question: If you are eating something with mayonnaise in it, are you really eating at a respectable dining establishment?

Lastly, I would be remiss if I were to ignore another common American phenomenon: at-home mayonnaise. Millions of American households have jars of mayonnaise that have been left, seal broken, in their refrigerator in excess of six months. I have no problem with food that does not spoil – WHEN IT IS IN A SEALED CONTAINER. The seal has been broken and it is acceptable to eat months later??? I don’t want to eat anything with that kind of staying power. Rule: there is a positive relationship between variables “length of time in fridge” and “velocity of escape from lower intestine”. That’s math people, look into it

May 30, 2008 Debate

Topic: Are the "anointed" generation of actors, - Ryan Gosling, Shia, Emile, etc - as good as their predecessors - Johnny, Leo, Damon?

This weeks Great Debators: David Flatter and Matt Dowell!!

Take 1 - David Flatter
First off, I don't really think the Brad Pitts and George Clooneys of the 2020's let's say, have been necessarily been unearthed yet. My arguments will not be directly related to the mentioned examples. Let's face it, the Pitt/Clooney/Leo era is FAR from over. Those fools are shitting out 100%s left and right (well maybe not Leo lately). So I think these current "big hitters" are in their prime as we speak so we can't really compare yet to some of the youngin's like Shia.

Do movies of today seem like they have gone completely in the shitter? Well yes. I feel that realistically there always have been and always will be immense piles of steaming crap in the upwards of 98% of all movies and music made in human existence. There must be shitty films to make the greats seem all the better. The more the crap, the more magical experiencing a timeless movie is. The great movies of the 80s and 90s seem so much better now because we have forgotten the pieces of shits in those era's and remember the good ones.
I feel that the incumbents will be better than their predecessors because they will learn from the past and have more reference to call on in their work. People say the human race is getting dumber and dumber but studies prove this is false. The human race's IQ is rising across the board. So the younger generations will be wiser and therefore more masterful of their craft (theoretically).

Plus throw in the fact that young actors will grow up with virtually every movie in existence immediately downloadable over the web. So I feel younger actors have an advantage in that regard. Clooney was rocking AOL 2.0 25kbps at age 30.

Take 2 - Matt Dowell
Please allow me to borrow a refrain I hear quite often on the LightRail: "Awwwwwwwwww to the hellll nawwwwwww." Are you serious on this one man--like, really serious?? Comparing Gosling, Shia, and Emile to Johnny, Leo, and Damon...come on now man that doesn't even make sense....And just who in the hell is this Emile character?? Is she hot?Im not familiar with her work.

Look man I don't really want to burst your bubble here---but with the exception of porn, movies are going to the crapper quicker then you after Ernesto's. Look no further then the best film of the 20th century--Can't Buy Me Love--and it's 21st century equivalent: Love Don't Cost a Thing....I mean come the heck on now man an Escalade...an Escalade!...you have got to be kidding me...absolutely kidding me! Shit man Ronnie Miller wasn't worried about no damn Escalade's man...nope, all Ronnie wanted was to hop off in Cindy Mancini's Cabriolet and ride off into the sweet fast line that is popularity.....Nick Cannon!

Nick Cannon?? Man this whole shit with him and Mariah is fisey'r then the smell in a first generation Asian persons house...Does anybody buy this?/ anybody?? And I hate her how she always has to have her dumb finger all extended all hecka dumb showing off her engagement ring...yeah, yeah--we get it we get it okay......Doesn't that shit piss you off when you're like at the mall or something and some broad has just gotten engaged so she keeps like brushing her hair with her ring hand or handing you your gift receipt with her ring hand facing up so you'll comment on the ring?? Man I hate that--hate hate hate that...All the sudden now I'm recommending you food caterers and rehearsal halls when really all I wanted to do was exchange a shirt because I got nervous and thought I saw Kevin Ericson wearing something similar.

Ehhhhhh So yeah, basically until Shia, Gosling or Emile sign on with bangbros I am not going to be watching their films. And Emile especially should sign with them, she sounds kinky. I gotta go google image search her. TTYL