June 3, 2008 Debate

Topic: Mayo: Disgusting or Delicious?

This weeks Great Debators: John Silva and Adam Dorsey!!

Take 1 - John Silva
You've seen it, You know it, You've tried it...while some hate it, im hear to preach praise for the homogeneous mixture of egg yolk and oil known as Mayonnaise! Where would the culinary world be, and more importantly, what would the culinary world taste like if it was not for this incredibly delicious whip of fat globules? ranch dressing, potato salad, cole slaw, honey walnut prawns, aioli dipping sauce, Rich Potter's unbelievable pasta salad...none would exist and only do so because of the fluffy white goodness delivered to us from God's own hands.

While the argument can be made that the French use it with their pommes frits, promoting disgustingness, in America a sandwich just wouldn't be a sandwich without the tangy zip of miracle whip! TO emphasize the greatness that is Mayonnaise lets look at it's alternative uses. Did you know that you can have that oh so shiny look with just a few dabs of Mayo massaged into your hair? Did you know you can use Mayo as a facial cleanser? Accutane not included. Did you know you can treat a sunburn with Mayo? The oil lubricates the skin, ha! Did you know you can remove bumper stickers with Mayo? Good for those embarrassing Ron Paul ones that are still out there. Did you know you can treat head lice with mayo? No more humiliation during elementary school lice check day!!!

Mayo fan or not, its incredible versatility can not be disputed. People use the phrase "the best thing since slice bread", but I say "the best thing since sliced bread with mayo, no mustard."

Take 2 - Adam Dorsey
Mayonnaise is not tasty. I begin with the worst culprit, fast food mayonnaise. I can’t think of anything that is more vomit inducing than warm mayonnaise that has been sitting out for hours near a heat lamp growing all kinds of bacteria, parasites, and decomposing insects. Please don’t give me the, “Oh come on, it’s not that bad.” You would be incorrect. Do you trust the minimum wage fast food worker to shuffle back and forth between their “station” at the grill and the walk-in fridge to ensure that the 30 billion doses of mayonnaise for the day are nice and fresh? Hello? Wake up! That mayonnaise has been warmer than room temperature and exposed to elements and creatures alike for hours and you’re eating it. Rule: mayonnaise spoils; if you are going to put in your body: a) know where the closest emergency room is, and b) know where it’s been (the answer should include refrigeration).

Inexplicably however, mayonnaise use is diverse. But I would posit that the setting for mayonnaise consumption is almost universally irrelevant. Even at a respectable dining establishment, these guys are busy. That funk is still going to sit out unrefrigerated, it’s warm, it’s viscous, it looks like horse sperm and smells like it as well. Question: If you are eating something with mayonnaise in it, are you really eating at a respectable dining establishment?

Lastly, I would be remiss if I were to ignore another common American phenomenon: at-home mayonnaise. Millions of American households have jars of mayonnaise that have been left, seal broken, in their refrigerator in excess of six months. I have no problem with food that does not spoil – WHEN IT IS IN A SEALED CONTAINER. The seal has been broken and it is acceptable to eat months later??? I don’t want to eat anything with that kind of staying power. Rule: there is a positive relationship between variables “length of time in fridge” and “velocity of escape from lower intestine”. That’s math people, look into it