September 18, 2008 Debate

Topic: Dylan McKay vs Zach Morris

This weeks Great Debators: Matt Robinson and Veronica Ramirez

Take 1 - Dylan McKay - Matt Robinson

On one side of the ball you have the Porsche-driving, wave-riding, Jack-drinking, rich girl-boning stud of a man named Dylan McKay. On the other, a camera-talking, pant-pegging, voice-cracking, tucked in striped T-shirt-wearing fruit cake known as Zack Morris. In my opinion, there is no debate. I could just end it right here and everyone would be in agreement that Dylan is by far a better character than Zack. But, because this is a debate of sorts, I suppose I will have to give further explanation.

Parents/Home Life - Dylan's mother was an Australian hottie who lived a fast lifestyle and came in and out of his life. His father was a criminal who may or may not have been blown up by one of Dylan's girlfriend's fathers. Also, there was a chance that he had a little sister, but I have erased all elements of that plot line from my memory. Zack, like all of the kids on Saved by the Bell, did not have parents or siblings, or at least we never saw them. As far as I could tell, they didn't even have front doors because they always used each other's bedroom windows. Edge: Dylan.

Hangout - The Peach Pit/Peach Pit Afterdark or the Max. Are you fucking kidding? An old gritty Hollywood diner with Nat behind the counter to offer advice and a sweet-ass nightclub where you could do blow and watch people get a hammered, or a McDonald's with a creepy child molesting magician named Max. "Max, I think I am going to kill myself. What should I do?" Max would then make a bird fly out of his shirt and squirt water in Jessie's face. Dylan had the cooler hang out because he was the cooler dude. Edge: Dylan.

Cars - Dylan had a Porsche and Zack had, well, nothing. Them's the breaks when every scene in your show is shot indoors. Also, according to the opening theme song Zack took the bus to school. LAME! Edge: Dylan by a longshot.

Home - Dylan lived by himself in highschool in a house in Beverly Hills. Zack apparently lived at Bayside High School or in Jessie Spanos' bedroom because those are the only two places I ever saw aside from the Max. Edge: Dylan.

Girlfriends - Kelly, Brenda, the Noxeema girl, Valerie, and Gina to name a few. Zack had Kelly Kapowski who Dylan also dated when she moved to Beverly Hills and changed her name to Valerie Malone in order to avoid geeky-ass Zack. Zack never dated any other chicks on the show except for that lesbo chick that Leah Remini played for like half a season during their summer job at the beach club (another plot ripped straight from 90210). Edge: Dylan.

Friends - For this argument I will just throw out some comparisons and you think to yourself who you would rather hang out with. Brandon Walsh or Screech? Steve Sanders or AC Slater? Valerie Malone or Kelly Kapowski (that's a tough one)? Kelly Taylor or Lisa Turtle? A Peach Pit Mega Burger or Jessie Spanos? The answers are pretty obvious. Edge: Dylan.

Like I said earlier, there really is no debate. Dylan McKay reigns supreme when compared with Zack Morris. Besides, the end all argument is who would kick who's ass in a fight and we all know that Dylan did his own fighting while "Preppy" always had Slater there to save his ass.

Take 2 - Zach Morris - Veronica Ramirez

All those 90210 kids were just Bayside wannabes who had nothing better to do than take advantage of daddy’s credit card or *ahem* your mom. No Beverly Hills brat could ever out-do Zach Morris. Not now, not ever. Who else can lay claim to owning the first cell phone ever? Granted, it may have been the size of a small child, but hey…holding that thing just helped him build up those biceps! That must have been the reason why he dated the coveted Kelly Kapowski and was the envy of every crater-faced teenage boy on the planet. And did we all forget that Zach helped Mrs. Belding give birth in an elevator during an earthquake? Talk about being a medical genius. Like Dylan could ever pull that one off. Yeah. Right.

Now for all of you who weren’t with the “in” crowd in high school, Zach would have been your friend. This guy was best friends with Screech Powers for cryin out loud! How many of you can say that you could have kept your “cool” status if you were seen talking to the school reject who wore neon hammer pants and a fro? If that’s not proof enough that he didn’t fall prey to the elitist high school culture, let’s get our homeless readers in on the debate. Do we all remember the Christmas episode where Zach tries to holler at the blonde girl only to find out that she and her dad are homeless? Would Dylan have left a wad of cash for Homeless Dad in the payphone AND invited the two over for dinner? I think not.

On to the good stuff: TIMEOUT! I don’t know many people who can completely freeze time with the utterance of those two syllables. Come to think of it, I don’t know ANYONE other than Zach Attack Morris. Speaaaaking of Zach Attack, what is cooler than having your own band? Ummmm nothing. That’s right…EAT THAT, Dylan! Oh, and who wants to hang out at a place called the Peach Pit? What? You hang out in a sweaty pit? Wow…great. It’s all about The Max! How awesome is a place where your waiter plays magic tricks, radiothons and fashion shows are held, and that you can rent out for that perfect date? I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to go on a date in a Pit.

So if I haven’t convinced you by now that Zach Morris kicks Dylan McKay’s ass, then you must be a douche bag who hates babies, nerds, and homeless people. Good luck making friends.

Gooooo Bayside!

September 10, 2008 Debate

Topic: Tequila vs Vodka

This weeks Great Debators: Yugo and Adam Dorsey!!

Take 1 - Tequila - Yugo

Tequila comes to party like the tattooed Raider fan it is. There’s no getting around it. It doesn’t try to hide it. If you’re drinking tequila, you’re going to have a really great time and then get really really wasted- probably puke, and maybe start a back-alley brawl. There’s no debating its intentions and it makes no apologies.

Vodka on the other hand, is like a sneaky Russian spy, camouflaged in cranberry juice and tonic. It comes marketed as an “upper-class” sophisticated choice of alcohol. But if you look beyond the Smirnoff bottle, you'll find a leather jacket, fish net jersey, and a stolen car. Vodka leads to blackouts, projectile vomits in taxi cabs, and peeing on dining room floors. Don’t be fooled by the propaganda.

I'll admit, tequila isn’t for everyone. I don’t always drink it. But when it’s a hot day on the Chevy’s patio, nothing sounds better than a pitcher of Margaritas, and not just because that’s the only edible thing on the menu. There is no substitute for tequila. …Vodka cran? Rum and Diet Coke? Gin and Tonic? If you're not having one, the other probably works. But not for tequila. When you crave a maragarita, nothing is more satisfying than that first salted rimmed sip.

Tequila often gets knocked for its versatility. And to an extent, vodka is a more “versatile” alcohol choice. But, lets not forget the many varieties of margaritas that exist – strawberry, mango ,.. banana. You also have Tequila sunrises which are bomb as are tequila tonics (… actually, not really good at all.) Plus this debate is about Tequila vs Vodka, not the juices u mix with vodka. Ever try taking a shot of Vodka? If not, you could also try a shot of lighter fluid, bleach, or embalming fluid. All of them taste just like Vodka.

Plain and simple, Mexicans are better than Russians. I mean they both are going to steal your car, but tequila just smashes the window and drives away. Vodka delivers your pizza, cases your house for months, and waits until all your “work clothes” are piled in your back seat.

Take 2 - Vodka - Adam Dorsey

Vodka is a common chemical substance that is essential for the survival of all known forms of life. About 1.460 petatonnes (Pt) (1021kilograms) of Vodka covers 71% of the Earth's surface, mostly in my belly and other large bodies. Some of the Earth's Vodka is contained within Vodka towers, biological bodies, manufactured products, ice caps, bottles, or in cups, where it provides fresh Vodka for life on land.

Vodka has been detected in interstellar clouds within our galaxy. It is believed that Vodka exists in abundance in other galaxies too, because its components are among the most delicious elements in the universe. Vodka is vital as an essential part of many metabolic processes within the body. The human body is anywhere from 55% to 78% Vodka depending on body size. Vodka is used as a heat transfer fluid in diverse heat exchange systems, due to its availability and high heat capacity. In the nuclear industry, Vodka can also be used as a neutron moderator. Vodka cannot be used to fight fires of electric equipment, because Vodka is electrically conductive.

Humans use Vodka for many recreational purposes, as well as for exercising and for sports. Some of these include drinking, having drinks, beverages, and ice fishing. Vodka is used in low-cost, non-polluting, renewable power generation. Vodkaelectricity is electricity obtained from Vodka driving a Vodka turbine connected to a generator. Vodka is mentioned in the Bible 442 times; Peter states, "The earth was formed out of Vodka and by Vodka". In Celtic mythology, Vodka is one of the 5 elements, others including fire, earth, space, and air. In Islam, not only does Vodka give life, but every life is itself made of Vodka: "We made from Vodka every living thing".

In many parts of the world - especially developing countries - there is a Vodka crisis, and it is estimated that by 2025 more than half of the world population will be facing Vodka-based vulnerability. I’ll bet you didn’t know that approximately 70% of fresh Vodka is consumed by agriculture. Politics affected by Vodka is an unfortunate import from Russia. Because of overpopulation, mass consumption, misuse, and Vodka pollution, the availability of drinking Vodka per capita is inadequate and shrinking. UNESCO's World Vodka Development Report (WVDR, 2003) from its World Vodka Assessment Program indicates that, in the next 20 years, the quantity of Vodka available to everyone is predicted to decrease by 30%. In 2004, the UK charity VodkaAid reported that a child dies every 15 seconds from easily preventable Vodka-related diseases.

Contact your legislator now and tell them to stop the madness.