Topic: Angie vs JenThis weeks Great Debators: and Chris Mika
Take 1 - Jennifer Aniston - Delilah Clay
So this issue has been looming for quite some time and chances are…if you’re a true American… you’ve already taken a side. I am of course referring to the epic struggle between Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. In my book there’s no contest – Team Aniston all the way! And this isn’t just a conciliation prize for losing Brad. Jennifer Aniston is clearly the better person. I’ll break this down in three categories: Looks, Acting Chops, and Personality.
Looks:
Now I know many are probably thinking that Angie wins this category hands down. And I guess if you like being able to hang your coat on Angie’s skinny ass shoulder blades, then that makes sense. But if you prefer a normal sized human being that doesn’t have perpetually chapped lips, then Jennifer Aniston is your girl. Not a supermodel by anyone’s standard, but she’s a great looking, normal woman who doesn’t front like she’s more than that. Not to mention that she’s 40 – a whole 7 years older than Angie. Jen’s definitely holding her own in this category. Exhibit A – December GQ Cover.
Acting Chops:
I won’t unnecessarily hate on Angie, but I get the sense that she always plays the same chick – mysterious, slightly crazy, bad ass. I want her to switch it up and I don’t think she can. Jennifer always plays characters with slightly more depth which of course is more enjoyable to watch. She was an integral member of one of the best sitcoms in TV history. Friends changed the game! Not to mention she has some respectable romantic comedies under her belt – The Break-Up; Along Came Polly; Office Space. I’m rarely mad at her choices of film. She even took some chances with movies like The Good Girl and Leprechaun. Ok Leprechaun was TERRIBLE, but everyone needs to eat and she was poor and unknown then, but I digress. Basically I’m much more inclined to want to catch a Jen Aniston flick than watch Angelina reprise her bad girl role….AGAIN.
Personality:
Who would you rather have a beer with? This standard proved terrible in helping us choose a President, but when arbitrarily passing judgment on people you don’t know, it’s great. And unless you’re Marilyn Manson or a vampire, the answer is Jennifer. Do not be confused by Angelina’s humanitarian work, this lady is borderline crazy. She married Billy Bob Thorton, wore a vial of his blood around her neck, French kissed her brother at the Oscars, and is determined to create her own little Noah’s Ark of children in her own backyard. Cuckoo, Cuckoo! I mean really, what are all the kids about? And I will only mention the adulterous behavior in passing because it clearly takes two and Brad was the one who said the vows, BUT for the record that ish was wrong! Jennifer Aniston, on the other hand, seems as normal as a person can be in Hollywood. She’s low key, funny and clever. She is involved in humanitarian efforts, but certainly isn’t crusading around the world. All in all she’s well balanced and for that reason I feel like we could kick it. (Although of course we never could, but that’s beside the point)
Jen over Angie any day of the week!!
Take 2 - Angelina Jolie - Chris Mika
Team Aniston, shit happened 4 years ago. Are you mental? Get the net! If Al Gore can get over his election loss in 2 years, you can get over losing Brad Pitt in 4!
And sure, getting into an anorexia contest with Angelina Jolie may seem like the perfect way to show who's the better woman—but, as a man who had a lot of one-on-one time with your 1996 Rolling Stone cover, trust me it's not working for anyone. Jen, it's OK to pork it out a little.Aniston needs to face reality. Brad Pitt is only on every woman's Top 5 fuck list. Not to mention a lot of guy's who-you-would-go-gay-for list. It's Brad fucking Pitt! You got to lock that shit down!
Fact: The #1 thing Brad Pitt wanted in his life was to have kids. He wanted kids. You did not. That's kind of a big deal. It's a step below closeted homosexuality, as far as potential marriage hazards go. Deprive Pitt of kids long enough and next thing you know Brad is going to be caught on his knees in the Minneapolis airport restroom of Angelina's vagina. We've all been there.And with Angie's weird Jon Voight/abandonment issues where she now has to be the exact opposite of him and be a devoted mother to 37% of the children of the developing world...yeah, hooking up with the brother kissing/vile of blood wearing/lipstick lesbian just made perfect sense.
Not to mention the fact the Jolie is smart, adventurous, and the sexiest woman in the world other than your mom. Whereas Jen is pretty, a little playful, but kinda boring. No wonder Brad opted out of his contract with Team Aniston and signed with Team Jolie. He wasn't going to win a title with Team Aniston. Team Jolie is like the Yankees. Easy to hate—but come on—they're the Yankees for a reason.Furthermore, stop focusing so much hate on Angie "stealing" Brad. How did Angie steal Brad? He isn't a catalytic converter waiting to be plucked from a Toyota. He is his own man who makes his own douchebag choices.
But no! Apparently, Angie's all powerful Thunderlips can suck the will and essence out of any man. No one can believe the superhuman strength of Thunderlips! (To all of her love slaves out there: Thunderlips is here. In the flesh, baby.)Stop using Ms. Jolie as an excuse. If anything, Jolie is BRAD's excuse—not Team Aniston's. What this is really about is that the breakup coincided with the end of Friends, and thus Aniston's acting career. Because there sure as hell isn't much of a movie career to speak of. Along Came Polly? Marley and Me? Please. Jolie owns Brad. AND an Oscar. No wonder you're bitter.
But, cheer up Jen. Brangelina's world isn't perfect. (Though Angelina is.) For one, it's not a real Oscar. They give Best Supporting Actress Oscars away. I mean, Kim Basinger and Marisa Tomei have Best Supporting Actress Oscars for Christ's sake. They're actually a part of the Academy Awards gift bag. Sean Penn has like 6 of 'em. And consider that there may not be all that much to Brad. When he was with Juliette Lewis he was this rugged hippie. Gwenyth Paltrow shaped him into a clean-cut metrosexual. With Jen, his persona was blond high-lighted California casual. Now he's Angie's benign trophy husband in her misguided reverse Freudian idea of an ideal family. He's basically a Ken doll.
The man is pliable. Or if this were Friends, Brad Pitt would be Joey. A lovable actor, but a little bit of a simpleton. And if there's one thing I learned from watching 10 seasons of Friends, it's that Rachel does not end up with Joey. Get over it and find your Ross.
